So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
