A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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