I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
