Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
