A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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