I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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