Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
