I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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