1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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