That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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