today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
