just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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