where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
