Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
