I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
