is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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