you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
