Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
