I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
