At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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