my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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