Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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