Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
