I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
