i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
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