update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
