I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
