All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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