if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
