Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
