last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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