Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My ass is underappreciated
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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