There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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