I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
