I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
