please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
