i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
