Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just pee around me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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