Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
we're so committed to being not committed
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
