so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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