Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
