What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
