I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
