I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
