end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
