you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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