I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
We just shotgunned beers for America
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
