Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
