...so i touched it.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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