she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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